This is an excerpt from my upcoming book "Know Your Worth!  (Overcoming the Dragon of Low Self-Esteem)", due for release November 2008.

Silence creates a "mudslide" that puts a crack in the rock solid structure of your marriage; it puts "asunder"!  Vickie L. Evans..:

Marriage – members of the opposite sex, merging together with singleness of purpose – harmoniously sharing the same namesake and dwelling place.  Marriage - a place of conception where dynasties and empires are born, producing little descendants to carry on the family legacy for generations to come.  Marriage-a corporate merger – the intermingling of ideas, goals, dreams, and resources; the formulation of intellectual proprietorship!  Marriage- the sharing of intimacy- the fulfillment of sexual ecstasy and pleasure; the consummate rhythm of two bodies creating a melodious symphony of love!  The Bible even describes it as "two flesh becoming one "bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh".  If marriage signifies a bond of unity and intimacy, how is it possible for married couples to live under the same roof and yet be so far apart?  How is it possible for married couples to sleep in separate bedrooms, denying the sexual intimacy that makes love explode with excitement?  How is it possible for two people who confessed their undying love before God and loved ones to walk around for days on end after a heated argument without speaking to one another?  What causes a love that used to sizzle, dazzle, and created a spark of "fire and desire" to fizzle in a heap of cold ashes? What happens when the only communication between husband and wife is the closing of doors as they exit for their various workplaces in the morning and returning to retreat into their separate sleeping quarters at night?  What happens when marriage becomes a matter of convenience based on salary assessments and material investments?  What transpires when parents stay together for the sake of the children but forget the intimacy once shared to create the children? How did the joyful expression of love and marital bliss become encased in a wall of stone cold silence?  What happens when marriage seems more like a prison sentence carried out in the solitary confinement of an dark, isolated, and cemented penitentiary cell?  Can anyone relate?  I spent many hours trying to figure this out as I gripped my tear-soaked pillow in the middle of the night as my then husband slept in the basement of our house.  I agonized over what I could have done differently to make his heart turn back to me.  Right now I hear Earth, Wind, and Fire's song   "After The Love Is Gone" ringing in my ear.  After The Love Is Gone! What used to be right is wrong! Can love which is lost be found? Something happened along the way, what used to be happy is sad!"  And then my most favorite balladeer, the late great Luther Vandross penned a song entitled "A House Is Not A Home" that said: "A room is a still a room, even when there's nothin' there but gloom. But a room is not a house and a house is not a home; when the two of us are far apart. And one of us has a broken heart.  Obviously, these songwriters at some point of their lives experienced solitary confinement also.  Solitary Confinement – the loss of communication in a marriage.  Once the communication is lost, then the other elements of marriage (trust, respect, intimacy, etc.) begin to die also!  Solitary confinement in a marriage can only lead to "a broken heart".

Ladies, when it comes to a marriage, "silence is not golden" in fact it is a deadly killer to the cohesiveness of your relationship.  Silence creates a "mudslide" that puts a crack in the rock solid structure of your marriage; it puts "asunder"!  I often wondered about the meaning of the statement that the preacher says at the end of a marriage ceremony "What God has joined together; let no man put asunder!" It was unclear to me what the word "asunder" meant.  Upon research, it simple means "to tear apart".  That is the effect of silence/the lack of communication; it tears a marriage apart.  Subsequently, it is sad when you are the man or woman that put your own marriage "asunder".

The root cause of silence in a marriage is pride, stubbornness, and selfishness.  No one wants to take the blame for whatever situation caused the disruption of communication.  But I want you to know that the "blame game" does not work when it comes to relationships.  In my opinion, taking the blame does not render you inferior; in fact it makes you the bigger person. Why not take the blame for the fact that you are having a misunderstanding, or take the blame for the sake of saving the marriage?   What is more important being right or being united?  Wow, all of this is coming from a person that relish being right and will go out of my way to prove a point.  But a wise person once told me to pick and choose your battles, some are not worth fighting.  Furthermore, the Bible says in Proverbs 14:1 "Every wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."  Ladies, consider the outcome; will the winning be worth it?  Will it promote strong relationships or will it derail it?  In some cases, if you pursue your own righteousness; there are no winners, even the winner loses (Ponder that!)!

Now, I must interject that there are some cases that are beyond your control and the silence and break down of communication is generated from an external source.  Therefore, no matter what course of action you initiate – you cannot fix the erosion of the marriage.  For instance, my ex-husband was having an extramarital affair and his silence was due to the fact that his heart was somewhere else.  As the O'Jays so plainly summed it up, "Your body's here with me but your mind is on the other side of town, you're messin' me around."  At this point, the "asunder" ball is in his court because he has broken the marriage covenant and now adultery has cracked the liberty bell of unity.  In this case, do not take ownership for his immoral behavior; it is not your fault and do not let anyone try to shift the "blame game" to your side of the fence. 

There is nothing like a dose of infidelity to deliver a blow to your self esteem.  It (infidelity) sends your emotional rollercoaster colliding into avalanches of confusions and spiraling down into valleys of resentments.  Some days you are walking a tight rope – the tension is fierce and you feel that you are doing a balancing act on the edge of a cliff.  One day you are angry and the next you are sorrowful.  Another day you are shooting bullets of bitterness, while the next day you are drowning in the sea of depression.  At some point you begin to look for a reason or reasons to blame yourself for this breach in covenant.  You question you womanhood and your sexuality.  Your mate may take this occasion to shift the blame off of him by taking you on an unmerited "guilt trip" with statements like: "You are not a good housekeeper!" (This was the number one "blame caster" on the television judge show, Divorce Court.)  Or, "If you were handling your business (in the bedroom), then I would not have to go elsewhere!" Or simply, "You changed after we got married!"  This is what Psalm 36:2-4 has to say about his actions:

 2 For in his own eyes he flatters himself
       too much to detect or hate his sin.

 3 The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful;
       he has ceased to be wise and to do good.

 4 Even on his bed he plots evil;
       he commits himself to a sinful course
       and does not reject what is wrong.

Once again, I caution you, do not let him make you feel guilty for the division he created by tearing apart (putting asunder) and breaking spiritual covenant with you and God by  illegally joining himself with an outside force, placing the marriage in a state of solitary confinement.

In conclusion, I believe that if your marriage is in the early stages of "solitary confinement", it may be salvageable; seek counseling right away!  Make sure the counselor is spiritually-sound and he/she understand that you are in crisis mode and need prompt assistance. Restore the breach, make every effort to "turn this house back into a home" - honor the marriage vows and "let no man put asunder!"